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Time:10:32 pm
I'm going to change myself! in a positive way!
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Time:11:55 pm
I had no idea getting a PhD would be this emotionally challenging! I might not have signed up for it!
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Time:10:26 pm
My advisor is a saint. He must be. He's so patient, when I don't know anything. I would get so frustrated with myself if I was in his shoes. Why can't I just understand simple stuff? What's going on with me? GRR. I have never felt so slow.
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Time:12:24 am
In high school, I would pass out in class. I was tired. I would try to stay awake sometimes, but I would usually pass out anyway.

I did the same in college, probably even more because I was liberated from *CATHOLLLIICCCC* school aka the fear of GOD, so I would pass out in lectures.

I can't pass out in grad school. My largest class is 8 students. It's really really hard to stay awake sometimes. I find it amusing. If I pass out one day, I will be SO fucked.
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Time:01:28 am
(1) I'll probably be able to get a PhD.
(2) Every time I think something is impossible, I somehow magically get it done. woohoo.
(3) I have two very old, depressing looking fish.
(4) I still can afford rent.
(5) I will never ever ever like calling someone my boyfriend and I'm pissed that I'm letting society make me do it.
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Time:10:18 pm
I'm terrified I'm not going to make it through the next four years. Every time I think I made the wrong decision, my gut tells me I made the right decision. It's just really scary, when you don't feel good enough.
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Subject:I love NYC because I can walk into Dunkin Donuts and not hear English
Time:11:14 pm
Sometimes I contemplate why I'm so stuck in NYC. Most of the time I just accept it, move on with my life, and travel whenever I can.

I thought that maybe keeping me here was my friends, my family, my dog, my cat, possibly ASTORIA.

But today I walked into Dunkin Donuts by my house, and not one person who was in the sitting area was speaking English. That's why I love New York. Plain and simple.

I can go 2 avenues down and have to order in Spanish or else I won't be understood. I can go a few stops into Queens and have to point at Vietnamese food because they won't really get what I'm trying to say. This, to me, is what makes New York special.

I haven't traveled nearly as much as I need to, and I'm going to remain open minded, hopefully for the rest of my life. But it will have to take a lot to change my mind that New York isn't something special. I hope I can always be known as a New Yorker.
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Time:11:12 pm
I should really stop sleeping at home and start sleeping.. in my other home. But I get lonely!!! Grr. I need to get over this.
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Subject:drinking
Time:10:32 pm
this whole drinking being socially acceptable is really freaking me out. i guess i just need to get over it, but i don't quite know how. maybe it's because i don't really drink, but being drunk around co-workers who are my SUPERIORS is just weird. i'm fine getting trashed. but when i'm trashed, i'm stupid and i run around and light shit on fire. am i supposed to run around lighting stuff on fire in front of my phd advisor? is that what being an adult is? that's fine. but if i'm supposed to get drunk and act sober, then why get drunk in the first place? getting drunk is acting like A FOOL, not for being a student! i'm freaked out. i don't like this. this is the first thing about being "an adult" i didn't like.

first, i'm a girl. and usually i'm a girl around a lot of guys (cause it's science). so that really makes me feel like i shouldn't be getting drunk. not because it's wrong for a girl to get drunk, but it's because when i'm drunk i usually want to run around, light stuff on fire, and then have sex. so why get that trashed when i'm around a bunch of my guy co-workers??

second, i'm young. dude i'm only 22. the USA only deemed me able to drink one year ago. it's weird drinking legally. sitting in a bar and buying a beer... i still feel like i have to do it behind someone's back. maybe that's weird. but i didn't go to a dorming school, so i wasn't out every weekend drinking in bars. i do something else. something else that i like much more. but that something else is not socially acceptable.

third, i'm a student, and i'm a new student. i feel like everyone wants to get the new young student trashed because it will be funny. not going to lie, it would be funny. but it would only be funny if IT WASN'T ME. that's a personal bias. so i'm torn between feeling like i'm not being sociable if i won't drink that beer you bought me, and between doing my best to drink that beer (or 2 or 3 and gin and tonic..) and not get drunk. (PS my tolerance is beyond low because i never drink and i'm 5'1.)

ugh. growing up was fine until adults starting forcing alcohol on me! i just want to drink with my friends and run around and light shit on fire.
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Subject:space
Time:12:08 am
I can't wait to have my own space!!!!!!!
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[icon] for what is dancing but making love set to music, playin'.
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
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You're looking at the latest 10 entries, after skipping 10 newer ones.
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